Agent Caitlin Todd: I can't give him Air Force One's floor plans! They're top secret!
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Come on, Agent Todd. I saw all this in a Harrison Ford movie.

TSA agent: NCIS anything like CSI?
DiNozzo: Only if you're dyslexic.

Abby Sciuto: I dunno. Guys have all kinds of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date so he can be all pumped.
[pause]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby Sciuto: Does Tony know that YOU know?

Abby Sciuto: So, what about you, Gibbs? You got any fetishes?
Gibbs: I have three ex-wives. I don't have time for fetishes.

Gibbs: Ducky. I'm not interested in what happened to him after he died.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well I'm surprised to hear you say that, Gibbs. You know post-mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case, four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?
Gibbs: Ducky. Eight years ago.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't. Four years ago, your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat, and I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there while I stitched you up.

[Kate leaves the room in a hurry]
Tony: Was it something I said?
Gibbs: Not yet, at least.

[about laws changing over time]
Gibbs: Politicians have their time table, I have mine.

Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
Agent Caitlin Todd: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.

Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?

Gibbs: Mind if I tag along? Please?
Abby Sciuto: [aside] Wow. Gibbs said "please."

Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?
Abby Sciuto: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby Sciuto: Definitely.
Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Agent Caitlin Todd: I get to do forensics?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby. She gets to do forensics.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Then we got our guy.
Gibbs: Nope. All we got is a pile of dead skin. Only thing you can use the DNA registry for is to identify a body.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Well, there has to be a way around that.
Gibbs: See, NOW you're thinking like an NCIS agent.

Tony: You ever jump?
Gibbs: Sure, when I get an electric shock.

[watching Kate and Tony argue]
Gibbs: Why do I feel like a high school principal?

Gibbs: Seaman Russell McDonald. 19. Assigned to the USS Foster.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Destroyer. Spruance Class.
Gibbs: Hey, look at that, the new kid on the block's been doin' her homework.

Tony: It's a bikini. Two piece.
Agent Caitlin Todd: A bottom. And a hat?
Tony: Puerto Rican?
Gibbs: Any chance you're gonna try that on?
Agent Caitlin Todd: You first!
Gibbs: Trust me. Not gonna fit.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Pigs. I work with pigs.

Tony: The golf clubs belong to his RIO, LT Lynch.
Agent Caitlin Todd: RIO?
Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B - short for Guy In Back.
Agent Caitlin Todd: [to Gibbs, about his name] Why do YOU need TWO Bs?
Gibbs: The second one's for bastard.

Agent Caitlin Todd: I believe him.
Gibbs: Of course you believe him, it's a chick flick. In a guy flick, you steal the money, you set a guy up to take the fall, you murder him and you marry his wife.

Agent Caitlin Todd: How long did Burley work here?
Abby Sciuto: Five years.
Tony: Five years with Gibbs. Amazing the guy didn't end up in a straitjacket.
Gibbs: What was that?
Tony: Ah, nothing, boss, just praising your communication skills.

Tony: I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.

Agent Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Tony: Only half of 'em are true. Trick is, figuring out which half.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Do people react that way because we're NCIS, or do you just have that effect on them?
Gibbs: I'd like to think it's me

Agent Caitlin Todd: You know, Gibbs, sometimes you can be a real...
Gibbs: Bastard?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Yeah.

Agent Caitlin Todd: If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Agent Caitlin Todd: We break into Gibbs's basement and we set his boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.

Gibbs: Try and brand the cologne.
Abby Sciuto: Why, you want some?
Gibbs: Nope, don't use cologne. Women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. That's probably why I don't... date many women.

Abby Sciuto: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
Gibbs: Buy what you need to, Abby, we'll deal with it later.
Abby Sciuto: Bold, Gibbs. Bold.

Abby Sciuto: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, how much did all this power cost us?
Abby Sciuto: Around fifteen hundred.
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred dollars?
Abby Sciuto: Well, not including the tax. I stuck to the thirty most popular scents hoping we'd get lucky.
Gibbs: Ah, how fiscally responsible, Ab.

Gibbs: Why is it that women always wanna fix what doesn't need fixing?
Agent Caitlin Todd: It makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does Scotch

Gibbs: Morning! Sleep well?
Agent Caitlin Todd: If by well, you mean violently throwing up all night and bouncing around like rag dolls...

Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or me?

Agent Caitlin Todd: With the exception of finding a decent barber, Gibbs can do pretty much anything he says he can.

Agent Caitlin Todd: You know, I bet this is why your second wife came after you with a nine iron, isn't it. You just refused to sit down and... talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually, that wasn't it at all.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Oh? So what was it, then?
Gibbs: A seven iron.

Gibbs: Don't say it, DiNozzo.
Tony: I wasn't going to say anything.
Gibbs: Don't think it.
Tony: Too late.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Can I ask you a question, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Is this one of those questions where it's not going to matter if I say no?

[about Tony's ex-girlfriend]
Agent Caitlin Todd: So what happened?
Tony: She broke into my apartment and filled my closet with dog crap.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Ha! Really? I knew there was a reason I liked her.
Tony: I still have her number. Maybe you two can get together and boil rabbits or something.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Not my style, Tony. I would just shoot you.

Agent Caitlin Todd: You think he knows more than he's telling us?
Tony: C'mon, Kate, this is Gibbs we're talking about. Of course he does.

Fornell: If you screw me on this...
Gibbs: I'll consider it a bonus.

Abby Sciuto: Latex is, um, very popular in, uh, certain... circles.
Gibbs: Yeah? What kind of circles?
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, I dunno if you're ready for this. It might upset your delicate sensibilities.
Gibbs: Oh, I'll stop you.
Abby Sciuto: Okay... maybe he was wearing a latex hood, like bondage gear, S&M fetish. I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon -...
Gibbs: Okay, you can stop.
Abby Sciuto: Gibbs, that is no weirder than a three hundred and fifty pound guy with half his body painted yellow and the other painted green, wearing nothing but shorts in ten degree weather and a big plastic piece of cheese on his head saying "Go Packers!"
Gibbs: Abs, it's apples and oranges.
Abby Sciuto: There's a fetish for that, too.

Tony: Yeah. Ducky? Why would Gibbs rip his hard line out and dunk his cell phone in a jar of paint thinner?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, dear.
Tony: What?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Oh, I should have realized the time of year. It's his anniversary.
Tony: Which marriage?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Well, the last one, of course.
Tony: Ducky. I'm not following.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Every year, ex-wife number three gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him repeatedly.
Tony: Why doesn't he, ah, change his number?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: No idea. In case you haven't noticed, Gibbs is a man of more questions than answers.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Hmm. Well, I hate to break it to you, Tony, but Gibbs can be wrong sometimes.
Tony: Name one.
Agent Caitlin Todd: The man's been married, like, four times.
Tony: There is that.
Gibbs: There is what?
Tony: Nothing, boss, just discussing the case.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Or, ah, lack thereof. You still wanna look at those LESs?
Gibbs: I dunno. You figure out how Kidwell died yet?
Agent Caitlin Todd: I'll, um, I'll just get them in order for you.
Gibbs: Kate. It was three times. Not four.

Gibbs: Did you run it through...
Abby Sciuto: Run it through AFIS?
Gibbs: Feisty and psychic.
Abby Sciuto: It's a killer combination.

Abby Sciuto: Aaaah! Gibbs! Didn't your momma teach you not to sneak up on people?
Gibbs: Obviously not.

Gibbs: Got your 911, Abs. What's up?
Abby Sciuto: Ready to have your world rocked again?
Gibbs: I'm barely over the first time.

Gibbs: Anything, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything unusual?
Gibbs: It's inflated.
Abby Sciuto: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going this?
Gibbs: What do you think?
Abby Sciuto: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
Abby Sciuto: So you don't know.
Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.
Abby Sciuto: Hmmmm.
Gibbs: Hmmmm.
Abby Sciuto: We should play poker sometime.
Gibbs: Yeah, we should.

Abby Sciuto: You went to see Ducky before you came to see me!
Gibbs: Is there some kind of priority here I don't know about?
Abby Sciuto: A girl likes to be thought of first.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: I don't see Chanel No. 5.
Abby Sciuto: Does anyone wear that anymore?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: My mother does.
Abby Sciuto: Really.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ever since Marilyn Monroe confessed that Chanel No. 5 was all she wore to bed.
Abby Sciuto: So... does your mother...
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Unfortunately, yes. Makes for terribly awkward slumber parties.

Gamal: Well, the psychiatrist examined him and is worried for his mental health.
Gibbs: I'm not all that interested in the mental health of people who want to kill me.

Tony: I haven't got high enough clearance to access those records.
Agent Caitlin Todd: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Confidential? What'd you do, kill someone in high school?
Tony: Ha! That's funny, Kate. No, I screwed up my paperwork with another agent's.
Gibbs: Agent Tony DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Tony: They yanked my clearance. Now I gotta take a physical to get it back.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Why's that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.

Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Because he probably killed them.

[robbing a grave]
Tony: This is so not right. I mean, it's not like we couldn't have done this during daylight.
Agent Caitlin Todd: You afraid of ghosts, Tony?
Tony: No, I'm afraid of getting shot for trespassing

Agent Caitlin Todd: He could've given Thumper a dirty chute.
Gibbs: What'd you say?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Ramsay could've given Thumper a sabotaged chute.
Gibbs: No, you said dirty.
Agent Caitlin Todd: What?
Tony: With Gibbs, you never know.

Gibbs: Dinozzo, what're you doin'?
Tony: Just doin' a little research for Abby.
Gibbs: For Abby?
Tony: Well, maybe I'm servin' two masters.
Gibbs: You're servin' one, now.
Agent Caitlin Todd: How did you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled?

Jimmy: We were hanging out, listening to Dashboard Confessional.
Tony: Emo.
Gibbs: Emo?
Tony: Emotional music. Gotta get a radio, Gibbs.

DiNozzo: I'll wait.
Abby Sciuto: There's a futon in the cabinet over there.
DiNozzo: Oh - bless you.
Abby Sciuto: What are you, my priest?
DiNozzo: Curse you?
Abby Sciuto: Heh.

Gibbs: ID withheld...
Tony: Probably the reason you married her. I mean, she probably hid her real personality as most women do, and by that time it was too late because you'd already... I'm gonna shut up now.
Gibbs: Now?

Tony: We ever gonna make the eleven o'clock news?
Gibbs: Coulda happened tonight if you'd broke your neck.

Tony: Yeah. Wonder what they were looking for.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Wonder if they found it.
Gibbs: I wonder when you two guys are gonna stop yakking and get to work.

Tony: This guy was way into reality shows. Real World. Simple Life, Punk'd...
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Geez, Gibbs, even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: Punk'd is an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera?
Tony: What's Candid Camera?

Gibbs: Ducky. Got some good news for me?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: That depends on your definition of good news.
Gibbs: Not the answer I was looking for.

Abby Sciuto: It's gray latex.
Gibbs: Rubber?
Abby Sciuto: One and the same.
Gibbs: Probably couldn't be used as a hat.
Abby Sciuto: Yeah, well, not if you grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.

Tony: Stories are pretty consistent.
Gibbs: A little too consistent.
Tony: You think they're lying?
Gibbs: I think they're well-rehearsed.

Abby Sciuto: This program rocks. It includes vall, fall, yacht, tip over, rollover, combined speed, linear momentum...
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby Sciuto: Oh, c'mon, Gibbs. You know you love it when I talk tech.

[Ducky always goes off on a tangent]
Abby Sciuto: I had this boyfriend once - not the balloon guy - but this one was like a computer genius. He put together a database of databases. I mean, it seems obvious in retrospect, like the pet rock...
Gibbs: Abby?
Abby Sciuto: Yes?
Gibbs: You're spending too much time talking to Ducky.

Abby Sciuto: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby Sciuto: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.

Gibbs: We gonna jump through any legal hoops?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, that's kind of a gray area.
Gibbs: How gray?
Abby Sciuto: Charcoal.

Tony: What're we looking for?
Gibbs: Answers.
[Gibbs walks away]
Tony: You got plans tonight?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Not really.
Tony: Good. 'Cause the last time Gibbs was like this, I didn't go home for a week.
Agent Caitlin Todd: The sad part? That would actually be an improvement over my social life.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Never put anything on videotape that you don't want to be seen.
Tony: Just ask Paris Hilton.

Agent Caitlin Todd: You think he told him a fast one?
Tony: I doubt it.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Why?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?

Tony: Forty mile zone ended two miles back, boss. Limit here's sixty-five. I only mention it 'cause you usually drive faster than Dale Earnhardt, Jr... Boss?
Gibbs: What?
Tony: You wanna stop for a burger?

[Gibbs has three ex-wives]
Gibbs: Hey, DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment. 'Cept for that minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: For your information, I have a maid now.
Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.

Gibbs: What'd you find in his nose?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Cellulosic fiber, lignin.
Gibbs: Wood.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Ah, sawdust, to be precise.
Tony: Hey boss, don't you have some kind of weird thing about women and sawdust? I mean... I... don't... think it's weird.

Tony: Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest!
Gibbs: Well, it's a good thing I'm not there, then.

[Tony is ranting about why he can't drive the car]
Gibbs: You can't drive because you're not going.
Tony: Oh. That's different.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You know Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living.
Abby Sciuto: Me, too.

Gibbs: Tony, what time did the schmuck's report say the dispersing office was robbed?
Agent Caitlin Todd: What schmuck?
Gibbs: Well, our schmuck, unfortunately.

Agent Caitlin Todd: All I'm saying is that... things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.

[Abby is listening to loud music in the lab]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Abby, turn down that babble!
Abby Sciuto: Babble? You love Android Lust!
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Not distorted by the speaker phone.
Abby Sciuto: Ducky, you're such a purist.

Gibbs: Y'know, some of these guys freeze on their first jump. Have to be kicked in the ass to get them out.
Tony: Not me.
Gibbs: Nope. You fall in the category that want a kick in the ass on the ground.

Tony: Didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday, Kate. As a matter of fact, tomorrow...
Gibbs: Will have been two years.
Tony: That's kind of touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Tony: Can I drink?
Gibbs: Sure. Sarsaparilla.
Tony: Sarsaparilla? Who drinks sarsaparilla?
Gibbs: Shane.
Tony: Who's Shane?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Alan Ladd.
Tony: Who's Alan Ladd?

[finding a severed leg in a dumpster]
Gibbs: Time of death?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: From a leg? Ha! Tell you what, Gibbs, you find me a liver in that leg, and I'll tell you the time of death.

[in autopsy, examining a severed leg]
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Reminds me of that movie, starring Daniel Day-Lewis, My Left Foot...
Gibbs: Ducky. That's a right foot.
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Hmmm, so it is. Oh, well.

Gibbs: Hey, Duck, who would you get to pose as a marine?
Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: You.

[talking about his eyesight instead of working]
Tony: 20/10, same as Ted Williams. He could see the seams on a fastball coming at him.
Gibbs: How 'bout my knuckles?

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Jethro, I don't answer forensics questions I don't know the answers to. You know that. Why do you keep asking me?
Gibbs: Force of habit.

[about online games]
Gibbs: And why do they use such weird names?
Tony: When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, "Jethro" doesn't cut it.
[pause]
Tony: Neither does "Tony."

Gibbs: [to Tony] Kate is going with you.
Agent Caitlin Todd: I'm sure Tony can handle this alone.
Gibbs: When did an order turn into a debate?

[Tony needs a place to stay for the night]
Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time, when it didn't really go so well?
Gibbs: Yeah. I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, listen. I was younger then. Immature, a little unfocused...
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Reynolds says there's no known material missing, but the intel's soft. They'll continue to check.
Gibbs: Stay on it every five minutes.
Agent Caitlin Todd: He expressly told me to wait for his call.
Gibbs: Well, I expressly don't give a damn. Ride his ass.

[Gibbs, who's been divorced three times, is building a boat]
Agent Caitlin Todd: Do all Marines build boats?
Tony: Just the onest that have been married a few times.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Why's that?
Tony: The other ones can afford to buy one.

Abby Sciuto: I found a piece of straw on the sock.
Gibbs: What kind?
Abby Sciuto: The hay kind.
[to a suspect]

Gibbs: Boy, oh, boy, you are good. But so are we.

Gibbs: I'm not smart enough to play risky games with a lawyer of your caliber, Rabb.
Harm Rabb: That's Commander Rabb. Or Commander. Or sir, *Gunny.* I believe as a reservist you're still technically in the Marine Corps.
Gibbs: I am an NCIS Special Agent, and I don't have to salute you, or sir you, or give you any military courtesy, but you know that. So who's playing the games here?

Harm Rabb: How long you been doing this, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Nineteen years.
Harm Rabb: Can you tell if someone's guilty, by looking in their eyes?
Gibbs: I can.
Harm Rabb: Yeah, well look in mine. Ask me. Ask me!
Gibbs: Would you kill for your brother?

Gibbs: You ever worked a crime scene, Agent Todd?
Agent Caitlin Todd: I am a Secret Service agent.
Gibbs: I thought not.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Look, don't dismiss me, okay? I earned my jockstrap.
Gibbs: Yeah, does it ever give that empty feeling?
Agent Caitlin Todd: What?
Gibbs: Your jockstrap.
Agent Caitlin Todd: No. Like some species of frogs, I grow what I need.

Tony: What is with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF - and they're all B's.
Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS.

Tony: Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime.
Gibbs: Dinozzo...
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Still works for me.

Stan Burley: You know, it's funny how it's all starting to come back to me now.
Gibbs: What's that?
Stan Burley: The tightness in my chest, the upset stomach, all the pleasantries that come with working for you.

Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: You know, in the two years I've worked for Gibbs, he's never shaken my hand once? Never.
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: I was in the office two years before he even looked me in the eye.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Really?
NCIS Special Agent Stan Burley: Yeah, three years before he called me by name. Four till he got it right. By then, I'd actually gotten used to Steve.

Gibbs: The secret of a good bluff is not to bluff.

[about a dead body]
Gibbs: Anymore tattoos on the body?
Tony: No, just the rose on Kate's butt.
Gibbs: It's not a rose.

DiNozzo: Remember the good old days, Kate?
Agent Caitlin Todd: What good old days?
DiNozzo: When Gibbs would confide in us; treat us like peers?
Agent Caitlin Todd: No!
DiNozzo: Good, I thought I was the only one.

DiNozzo: Kate, what do you think this means? Eee... goh... too... mah... nee.
Agent Caitlin Todd: I got too many.
DiNozzo: [later] He got too many.

[spots DiNozzo eavesdropping on her private phone call]
Agent Caitlin Todd: [to Gibbs] Permission to shoot him?

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [McGee is standing over a perp, about to shoot him] McGee! If you wanted to shoot him, you should have done it when he was running.

Agent Caitlin Todd: [DiNozzo is lying on all fours, smelling something on the floor] There are so many things I could say to you right now...

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby, what did the urine tell you?
Abby Sciuto: Oh, all kinds of things, we had a great talk.

Special Agent McGee: Now all we have to do is scan 800,000 miles of satellite imagery and pray we get lucky.
Abby Sciuto: I am a scientist, McGee. Luck has nothing to do with it and/or us.
Special Agent McGee: Okay, then how do you explain something like Gibbs's gut?
Abby Sciuto: Well, that's easy: Gibbs is lucky.
Special Agent McGee: But... but you just said that...
Abby Sciuto: He's not a scientist.

DiNozzo: [pointing gun at a suspected arms dealer] Navy NCIS, you're under arrest.
ATF Agent: [drawing a gun] ATF drop your gun... you're under arrest...
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering from side office] Put the gun down. You're outnumbered.
ATF Agent: [smartly] I can still shoot him.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [calling bluff, DiNozzo hard shocked] Go ahead.
ATF Agent: [ATF agent drops her gun] My ID is under the stereo over there.
DiNozzo: [moving towards stereo to check for ID] Were you really going to let her shoot me boss?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [sarcastically] Nah.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You told us you thought of Jessica as your own daughter.
Captain Vetter: What's that got to do with all this?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Considering you were sleeping with her, a lot.

Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: [to a terrorist who has taken him and two others hostage] I can't wait to weigh your liver.

Agent Caitlin Todd: Gibbs, what did Ducky look like when he was younger?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Illya Kuryakin.

Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Hey Kate, did you tell Brad about that wet t-shirt contest you won?
Agent Caitlin Todd: Did you tell Nurse Emma about the transexual you tongued?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: That never happened.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never had a cold.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Never had a *cold*?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Never had the flu, either.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Why do I believe him?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: If you were a bug, would you attack Gibbs?

[Gibbs walks in to the lab, Bert the stuffed animal farts]
DiNozzo: It was the stuffed animal! Right, Abby?
Abby Sciuto: What stuffed animal?

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You get Fornell in here.
DiNozzo: How much should I tell him?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tell him, he's about to make the second biggest mistake of his life.
Agent Caitlin Todd: [kate walks in] What?
[Fornell, DiNozzo, Todd walk into MTAC]
Fornell: My second biggest mistake, Jethro. That's very dramatic. What was my first?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: When you married my second wife.
Fornell: You should have warned me!
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I*did*!
Fornell: [to DiNozzo and Todd] In my defense, I thought he was exaggerating... He wasn't.

FBI Agent Carlson: You're under arrest.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: For what?
FBI Agent Carlson: Pissing of the F.B.I.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Get used to it.

Agent Timothy McGee: [observing Kate stretch out] Wow, she's really flexible.
DiNozzo: Don't let her catch you watching her.
Agent Timothy McGee: [Kate smiles at McGee] Uh-oh. She just gave me that look.
DiNozzo: What look?
Agent Timothy McGee: The look she's always giving you.
DiNozzo: [Tony looks at Kate] Yep, she saw you. Hope you wore a cup.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after DiNozzo has made a sexual remark about Kate] If you do that again... I will kick your ass.

Ari Haswari: [after telling Gibbs he's on a mission to kill him] What would you do in my place?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Kill myself...
Ari Haswari: [laughing] Sorry I think not... it's the one part of my religion that I subscribe to.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [regarding Kate protecting Ducky from a killer] I want you to stick to him.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Like glue... I've got it.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Like an ex-wife after an alimony cheque.

Agent Timothy McGee: [on seeing Gibbs enter the office] Boss, you all right?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I seem to be.
DiNozzo: Fornell's been here looking for you... you'll never guess who's back.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Ari.
Agent Timothy McGee: [McGee and DiNozzo look at each other] How did you know?
DiNozzo: Do you know he's here to kill you.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Yes. Just had coffee with him.
DiNozzo: [puzzled] And...?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [looking with a "duh" expression] And he tried to kill me. Any more questions?

Agent Timothy McGee: [regarding DiNozzos comments about Abby liking Tattoos, and that he should have one on his ass] Oh, by the the way... I took your advice... and went with mom...
Agent Caitlin Todd: [seeing DiNozzo, shocked, open mouthed, no comments] Wow... I wonder what McGee said to silence Tony?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smiling] He told him that he had got a tat on his ass...

Agent Caitlin Todd: [after a submarine has done a blow surface rise, knocking Kate into Gibbs arms] Wow...
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [smiling] Yeah... I often get that remark...

Agent Timothy McGee: [Gibbs and Fornell are about to interrogate a suspect] So what's the scenario, good cop/bad cop?
Agent Caitlin Todd: More like bad cop/scary cop, McGee.
Agent Timothy McGee: Which one's which?
Agent Caitlin Todd: You'll have to ask their ex-wives that one.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?
Abby Sciuto: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.

Abby Sciuto: [to McGee] You're not listening to a word I'm saying. I'm pregnant, McGee. Twins. Haven't told the father yet. It's Gibbs. I know it's wrong, but something about his silver hair gets me all tingly inside.
Tony: [Tony walks in] Excuse me for a second, I think I'm going to vomit.
Abby Sciuto: I'm joking, Tony. Except for that part about Gibbs's hair.

DiNozzo: They called me their little poo boy.

DiNozzo: [to Special Agent David] How 'bout this? Slow down or I'll puke on you!

Special Agent McGee: What's she look like?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Who?
Special Agent McGee: Abby. Sounds cute.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Not your type.
Special Agent McGee: Well, how do you know that?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Have you ever had the slightest urge to tatto your buttocks, McGee?
Special Agent McGee: I don't... think so.
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Then we need never speak of her again.

Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: Want to know how to get on Gibbs's good side?
Special Agent Ziva David: Yes!
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: So would I.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [talking to a former sailor and how he hooked with his best friends wife and then married her] What you do, drop into the cemetery saying, "I was passing by and dug the music?"

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Kate has come into work to find DiNozzo, Gibbs and McGee asleep at their desks after working all night, Gibbs asleep but sniffs the air] Coffee.
Agent Caitlin Todd: Yes.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs walks over to Kate's desk and drinks her coffee while DiNozzo and McGee take turns trying to outdo each other with information on the case] OK, good... I'm going.
Agent Caitlin Todd: [digging at Gibbs for stealing her coffee] For some coffee?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [changes direction, partly asleep] No, to the head.

Special Agent Ziva David: [after finding out that Gibbs didn't know that she had been assigned to his team, downhearted] I stand corrected. I guess he didn't know. I feel like a donkey's butt.
Agent Timothy McGee: [puzzled at her choice of phrase] A donkey's butt?
DiNozzo: I think she means horse's ass.
Special Agent Ziva David: Yes, that too.

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after Gibbs has allowed her to stay on the team] While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Special Agent Ziva David: [finding it hard to comprehend, small laugh] You're kidding, right?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [after Gibbs' stare she unloads her side piece and hands it to Gibbs who puts it in his drawer] And your back-up.
Special Agent Ziva David: [coyly] What back-up?
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [deadpan] Left leg.
Special Agent Ziva David: [removes ankle holster] Ah. That one.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: And the concealed knife on your belt.
Special Agent Ziva David: [annoyed, Ziva removes the knife and hands it to Gibbs, he looks at it and hands it back out to her] That you can keep.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [leans in close to her ear as he passes her] I just wanted you to know that I know.

DiNozzo: [about to enter and arrest a suspected murderer] Just stay behind me and follow my lead.
Special Agent Ziva David: I'm not a probie, Tony. I have been in a few of these situations.
DiNozzo: Not with me.
Special Agent Ziva David: So? I have not had sex with you either. Would that make me a virgin?

Agent Caitlin Todd: He's going to die, Duck.
[starts crying, Ducky Hugs her]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [as Gibbs walks past them] Ah, the hell he is.
[goes to Tony's bed. Whispers]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Tony, can you hear me?
DiNozzo: [weakly] I'm listening, Boss.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You will not die from this.
[Tony starts closing his eyes]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [Gibbs pats him on the head]
[Tony opens his eyes]
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: You will not die from this.
DiNozzo: Gotcha, Boss.

Special Agent Ziva David: You who won't share a Krispy Kreme doughnut is going to give up a kidney?

Agent Timothy McGee: [talking to Tony after he has killed an undercover cop and Tony is trying to cheer him up] I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop. Gibbs was a Marine sniper. Kate protected the president of the United States. God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and computer forensics. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a field agent.
DiNozzo: You know...when i first fired a gun at someone...i wet my pants...
Agent Timothy McGee: Really?
DiNozzo: Really...

Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't ever hesitate because you second guess yourself again, I'll take your badge. Clear?
Agent Timothy McGee: Clear.

Sandy Watson: I like your voice, Abby. It's kind of gravelly.

Abby Sciuto: For "Nobody leaving the building", there are a lot of people leaving the building.

Gibbs: Halligan must've shot him from the driver's side.
DiNozzo: Wrong, boss!
Gibbs: Slap him, Ziva.
[Ziva slaps the back of DiNozzo's head]

Special Agent Ziva David: Can't you two agree to disagree?
Agent Timothy McGee: I can't agree to that.

Gibbs: Go tell Abby that I want her. Now.
Abby Sciuto: [walks in pushing evidence cart] Oh, Gibbs! I never never knew!

Abby Sciuto: You can't rush science, Gibbs! You can yell at it and scream at it, but you can't rush it.

Tony: [Tony on his cell phone in a body bag in the back of an FBI vehicle pretending to be a dead Navy officer] Hello?
Gibbs: We're in the clear. You can get out of the body bag.
Tony: I never thought I'd say this, but I'm not sure I want to.
Gibbs: What? You gotta search Commander Trapp's apartment tonight.
Tony: Aw, Gibbs, c'mon, it's 1am.
Gibbs: Agent Axelrod is trailing you to pick up the body bag when the FBI tosses it.
Tony: That's funny, Gibbs, real funny - Gah!
Gibbs: I guess they found him.

Abby Sciuto: Thank you, sir.
Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Don't call me sir.
Abby Sciuto: Yes, ma'am.

Special Agent Ziva David: [McGee is dismantling a network server] What can I do to help, McGee?
Agent Timothy McGee: You can stop touching things when you're not grounded.
Special Agent Ziva David: Okay, sorry. Hack away, you won't even notice me here.
Agent Timothy McGee: Okay, but you're standing on my foot

Agent Timothy McGee: Are you finished?
Agent Anthony 'Tony' DiNozzo: No, I haven't even started yet.

DiNozzo: [spelling his name on the phone] DiNozzo. Big "D", little "I", big "N", little "ozzo".

Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.
Ernie Yost: You ... you were never an officer?
Gibbs: Ah, hell no!
Ernie Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.